Perfect Space

thanks avetts

I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I've become not the man I was.
I wanna have friends that will let me be
all alone when being alone is all that I need.

I wanna fit in to the perfect space,
feel natural and safe in a volatile place.
And I wanna grow old without the pain,
give my body back to the earth and not complain.
Will you understand when I am too old of a man?
And will you forget when we have paid our debt
who did we borrow from? Who did we borrow from? 

Okay part two now clear the house.
The party's over take the shouting and the people,
get out!

I have some business and a promise that I have to hold to.
I do not care what you assume or what the people told you.
Will you understand, when I am too old of a man?
Will you forget when we have paid our debts,
who did we borrow from? Who did borrow from?

I wanna have pride like my mother has,
And not like the kind in the bible that turns you bad.
And I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I've become and not the man that I was 

Thank you notes

i'm stuck in thank you notes.  but, i'm thankful to be stuck there.  favorite quote from a note i received.  "kinda like a bunch of girls getting the same period after awhile".....  you know who you are and thanks for that.

an ode to 723

listening to fleetfoxes like this room is so accustomed to.  moving back to where i came.  this has become one large circle.  a lot of stops, but knowing that a tangent will be coming along soon and i will be walking out of this circle finally.  i enter the deep once again, but as a completely different person.  the experiences and people and friends and life has made me something different, something new and changed.  i'm still shaky and unsure, but confident in that.  knowing that nothing can happen that is not meant to be, knowing that He is looking out for me and truly loves me like i have never experienced before.  the music has begun to shape the future of my life and the lyrics mirror the past that has gone and the past that is to come.

"my hummingbird sing to me"    hummmmmmmmmmmm.....

Better

This is what I have learned.  When everything is confusing and you feel spread way too thin and the future is very cloudy and you don't know what to do next, remember the great and mighty deeds(wow that was churchy) that God has done in the past.  Don't tell every person (even and sometime especially the close friends) what God is doing in your personal walk with Him.  The dreams and hopes and wishes and desires sometimes are better left for fruition.  Basically don't pick the fruit before it is ripe.  Don't live life without expectations.  Even though it hurts to be let down, sometimes that closure is exactly what God is trying to do, CLOSE THAT DOOR, especially those that you have had your foot in for so long, slammed and abused.  And who's to say that one door closed doesn't mean that this entire part of your life is over and done with and that you should leave it never to think back on those times.  Because when you are most frustrated, most confused, seeking the most, following without having any direction, you realize that you are no longer following your own path, your own plans.  This is where God wants you, where He can truly use you.  Stay there and seek.  Don't leave.  Don't carve out a hole in the wall where a door used to be.  Wait, follow what you know to be true even though the destination is not clear, or maybe not even something that you wanted in the first place, but here is growth, learning, progress, creation.  It sucks,  I KNOW.  But I just have faith that this is where God has put me and who am I to be arrogant enough to say that something else is better.

Sacrifice

I've been looking for a real sacrifice, something more, something worthy. Maybe my thoughts are in the wrong place. I mean, I know that I can never repay God for his ultimate sacrifice, and never will be able to, but I just think that there is so much more to give... I read that the early disciples of Christ, the beginning Church fasted, not to ask God for something, but because it was cheaper not to eat and they could give more to the people in need, the poor, the hungry, the lost. What am I doing? What is this love that I have that doesnt reach farther than my arms, that never reaches beyond my own meager, selfish desires? Everything is provided, and God is so great and good and powerful, shouldnt that mean that I give freely what is so graciously given to me? Shouldnt there be a TRUE sacrifice? Shouldnt there be something missing that was not given out of an excess, out of too much? Shouldnt I feel something, like they felt that hunger in their somaches? I want that emptiness, not because I have need, but because I sacrificed.

revolution

You must die to live. You must lose to gain. Weakness is strength. Joy exists in the midst of suffering. Power is restraint. Love those who persecute you. Pray for those who hate you. Ceasar isn't Lord and Herod isn't King. It is not the strong or the wealthy who will inherit the earth, but the meek. The kingdom of God won't be given to the religious leaders but to the spiritual idiots (the poor in spirit). Mourners, peacemakers, the merciful, and the persecuted can all find blessing in the kingdom of Jesus. Jesus Christ is the most subversive man ever to have walked the earth. THIS is revolution!
-Mike Erre

Mere flight and disgrace

If I profess with the loudest voice and clearest exposition every portion of the Word of God except precisely that little point which the world and the devil are at the moment attacking, I am not confessing Christ, however boldly I may be professing Christ. Where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved, and to be steady on all the battle front besides, is mere flight and disgrace if he flinches at that point.
-Martin Luther

Would it be ok...

would it be ok if all i had was my bible. would it be ok if i didnt talk to a single friend for a year. would it be ok if all my life was devoted to working with one tribe. would it be ok if all of my life's goals were cast aside for his. would it be ok for me not to have a shower every day or if i didnt know where my next meal was coming from. would it be ok if me fulfilling all of my call meant leaving all that i have come to love. would it be ok if i wasnt married. would it be ok for me to give up normal for something weird that no one else will never understand or even appreciate. would it be ok if no one ever liked me. would it be ok for my family not to be financially comfortable, but fully in love with god. would it be ok for me to die this very instant and never have any of these questions answered. would it be ok if sacrifice had a true form in my life. would it be ok if all i had and all i ever will be was truly and only formed by god never to really know what is next, following his lead only. would it be ok if my name was never known, my face never recognized, my legacy inexistent, my future unsure, but really free. would you be ok?

I think that we go through intense times of want and need to really appreciate the times when all is good.

Tear Down the House

tear down the house that i grew up in
i'll never be the same again
take everything that i've collected.... throw it in a pile
bulldoze the woods that i ran through
carry the pictures of me and you
i have no memory of who i once was
and i dont remember your name

park the old car that i love the best
inspections due and it wont pass the test
its funny how i have to put it to rest
and how one day i will join it

i remember crying over you
and i dont mean like a couple of tears and i'm blue
i'm talking about colapsin and screamin at the moon
but i'm a better man for having gone through it
yes, i'm a better man for having gone through it

i have no memory of who i once was
and i dont remember your name....

nothing is more reassuring than sitting across from a table of doctors.... laughing at the fart application on their iphones.

You know you've lost some of the dream when you are 50yrs old, have tons of tattoos, a long grey beard, leather pants, and ride a bright yellow scooter.... just sayin....

Her

Beautiful
a woman whose presence alone makes me question my worthiness of her
a grace that is calming and powerful
closer to God than she is to me
pushes me onward in everything
the first thing I want to see every morning
loves the outdoors
walks with her head held high
powerful
makes me closer to God because of her purity
steadfast
doesnt like to cook, but likes my cooking
compassionate beyond my understanding
full of passion for what matters most
crazy in love
I give myself to her, all the sacrifices, and yet I still feel it was not enough
a love that is ours, alone, forever
the woman who walks in a room and everyone knows, "yeah, that's HER"

Paralyzed

A friend recently read the story of the paralyzed man who was healed by Christ after his friends lowered him through the roof of a house. I've heard this story a million times. I've seen the pictures used in school. I've even used the felt board(which is possibly one of the coolest things ever and I would love to have a wall made out of that one day) to lower the paralyzed man through the roof, but this time was different. There was a phrase that stuck out, "When Jesus saw THEIR faith, he said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven." It was because of the friends' faith, because they carried their friend who could not carry himself to Christ. I need to be carried sometimes, I cannot carry myself, keep myself up, walk, but God has given me friends to carry me when I need it. To help me up, to carry my cross when I cannot bear it, to give me water and refresh my spirit. How many times do we forget that? I thank God daily for the people that He has placed around me because, "When Jesus saw THEIR faith," He brought me closer to Him and did what I could not do.... "Son, your sins are forgiven". Hallelujah

There's nothing like nature's mowing...

I love hiking!

Crazy Love

I started to read the book Crazy Love yesterday. I cannot put it down. Every page has a new conviction, and I know that I have completely lost sight of God and His love for me. But the funny thing is that it is not about me! This life, this world is so filled with billions of other people that why would my life matter. The millions of galaxies flooding the universe, who am I? But, God's love is so indescribable and so incredible that He loves me... let me make sure you got this, He loves ME! He loves an individual out of the billions with the same closeness, and unfathomly more so, of a mother or father. ME! It is His choice, and only He can know why. It is such a hummbling thought to know that the God of the universe loves me so much, more than anyone else, even died for me and went to hell to rescue me, and all He wants is to get to know me and to love me more one on one... and yet I don't even give Him that. Time is what I have, and I keep it to myself. How selfish, inconsiderate, and insanely stupid am I? God is LOVE, yet all I want from Him is forgiveness.

Packing...

The room is feeling pretty empty, and as I make my way down to the car with boxes and stuff, another car leaves. It makes me think that I am living in a Rob Bell Nooma video... Packing... I do kinda have his glasses. The last things to go are the pictures on the wall. They are the memories of this year and of the past years. It's funny how one picture has so much wrapped inside. Under the plastic are the memories, the stories, the friends. It is starting to echo.... echo... echo... (jk) This will be the last blog from room b Jefferson 226. It's been a crazy year and I have loved it! I asked for God to mold me, and He has and still is. I am not the same man that walked through the door. As I leave the last time, I know that the best is yet to come. Packing is just a stage of life moving into another. It is just all one big vindiagram. Being absorbed into another time, there are adjustments, some painful but all good. I know that this year and these three men that God has placed into my life have shaped my future in ways I may never fully know. As I am alone in this apartment, I know that the four of us were how God meant it to be. We truly all became best friends in one way or another. But that time is over. The friendship remains, but the future is beckoning. Change is coming, and I am still, for now packing....

-no Rob Bells were hurt in the making of this post

Girly Man

Sometimes I wonder what goes through my head. I've developed a new way to see from the outside what is going through my head, and it is called Scrubs therapy, and by Scrubs, I mean the show. I have developed a theory that Zach Braff and I are one in the same. Maybe it is a Zach thing? Don't know. But JD (if you've seen the show, you know) and I seem to go through the same things, and think the same things, and I would love to have a piece of land with just a deck on it. Appletini's are great, and I cry too. An episode I watched today started this therapy. Sometimes, you just gotta "be a man about it", and realize the importance of friends without strings and overthinking things. Just relax, drink a beer, and scratch yourself. Emotions mean a lot, but girly men sometimes just need to be men. Drop the apron, and enjoy how we were intended to be made, and not how others or an interesting childhood made us. Buck up, and be a man.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJ3MSCLBpaM

Trolleywood

It's really funny how one song can sum up a year or a time in one's life. Through singing that song, memories flood in, surrounding you in the past and carrying you off to times gone by. There are people contained in the lyrics, and the melodies carry the ups and downs of the relationships that are held within its hopes. May we all find those songs. May we all find the life in the sound. Like my favorite teacher once said, "our lives are bound in the stories we write". I say that they are bound in the melodies of our past, holding close the harmonies of the friends we say goodbye to. This is for the people who are bound in the songs I love. May we walk one day together, again. Hallelujah.

Exam Time!

Exam time is always really weird, but AWESOME! It is really interesting to see all of what has gone on this year. This year has been probably the best and worst year of my life. The friends and connections I have made have been great, but there is just something about this week when you dont have to worry, or go to class, or do a lot of work that you find yourself again. For the first time in a while, I went to a concert, not because I had to for my degree, but because I genuinely really like the band. It was the Enemy Lovers, and it was freakin amazing! It made me want to keep going with a passion for life ( I know... Cheesy!), but it was just a really tight, new sounding concert (that was as good if not better than the CD). I think it is during this time that I find my inspiration. When you are not told the music you should do, the music you want to do just finds it's way into you ears and your heart. I'm finally ready for the summer, and this summer is gonna be awesome!

This is it!!!

THIS IS IT!!! I start off saying this just to state that this is it in my life! The past few weeks have been an interesting fight for my future, and God has won! This is it... I really do not know what else to say. I have come to the point in my life where I want to impact the world for Christ at whatever cost.... be it my life, I do not care, it is all His. I am also making a huge announcement.... I am going to Africa when I graduate! THIS IS IT!!! No longer will I hear the calling of God on my life and not heed it. God has placed this on my life, and I want to tell everyone so that it has to come true and keeps me from withdrawing from the fight for lives once again. It might not always make sense to me, but I no longer have to worry because God is in controll. THIS IS IT!!!

First Timers...

So... This is my first time with the whole blogging thing. Not gonna lie, thought it was stupid and cliche until now. I am a young college student, and you would think that I would be into this kinda thing, but.... NO! Interestingly, everything changed a couple weeks ago. I have lost all ambitions! I'm trying this new thing where I am transparent and everyone can see my life and thoughts. It should be interesting to see where things lead and where things take me in this journey, but now it is all out there for you to see as well. Here it is. This is my life...